There is nothing certain in the soul of man, especially the right words.
Lately I open my program where I keep snippets of thoughts to expand into poetry or other work and I read, or sometimes even pick out one that catches my eye. I move it to a clean page and...nothing.
I am frozen into inaction, not that I can't write, there are always words but are they the right ones? I am disgusted, full of inaction, ennui, knowing there is no correct way to write what I truly am feeling. I have not been able to clarify those feelings inside my mind. Words like loathing, despicable, ignorant, train wreck all have a place in poetry but I find none of them strong enough to to communicate my heart about this current era.
So instead I have replaced my waking emotion with torpor and the seeking out some vice. I have been extremely successful at the former and doing piss poorly at the latter. I have been through my litany of vice and it all became boring as I aged.
I have not abandoned the blog or the 55's or anything else in my pursuit to show the world through my eye, but I have always looked for the right words and at the moment I can not find them. God forgive me, for if there ever was a time that needed words of resistance and uprightness; it is now.
Be Well
Hopefully soon I will find the right words to discharge this coat of ice on my heart. Until then keep faith with them you care for, look for the good I can not see, and do not be troubled by that which mortifies my soul in today's life.
mark
Lately I open my program where I keep snippets of thoughts to expand into poetry or other work and I read, or sometimes even pick out one that catches my eye. I move it to a clean page and...nothing.
I am frozen into inaction, not that I can't write, there are always words but are they the right ones? I am disgusted, full of inaction, ennui, knowing there is no correct way to write what I truly am feeling. I have not been able to clarify those feelings inside my mind. Words like loathing, despicable, ignorant, train wreck all have a place in poetry but I find none of them strong enough to to communicate my heart about this current era.
So instead I have replaced my waking emotion with torpor and the seeking out some vice. I have been extremely successful at the former and doing piss poorly at the latter. I have been through my litany of vice and it all became boring as I aged.
I have not abandoned the blog or the 55's or anything else in my pursuit to show the world through my eye, but I have always looked for the right words and at the moment I can not find them. God forgive me, for if there ever was a time that needed words of resistance and uprightness; it is now.
Be Well
Hopefully soon I will find the right words to discharge this coat of ice on my heart. Until then keep faith with them you care for, look for the good I can not see, and do not be troubled by that which mortifies my soul in today's life.
mark
It is hard to wordify when the muse is out to lunch.
ReplyDeleteShe'll be back though but hiding there in the art and words of others , maybe.
Hoping for happy days for you, and a surprise.
I understand and relate, Mark. I am in much the same boat--especially the torpor and the disappointment in vices--even ice cream is not what it was...there is a helplessness that overcomes me when I look at...everything, and it seems to bleed into all I do. Fortunately--or really, unfortunately, I'm enmeshed in a life-event(as they call it now--I prefer words like 'tragedy,' 'disaster' or 'ruin') with my husband's health, and it's giving me a purpose and direction of sorts, at least temporarily. I find writing something easier if I don't try to talk about all the shit--because as you note, finding strong enough words is difficult--;I just look for something that can struggle out about *anything*. Good luck, and thanks for existing in my world space.
ReplyDeleteI have struggled to be writing-especially political stuff-just because I am so sick of it all. Hang in there and I'll look for you to return in the future.
ReplyDeleteyes, the words won't always come. For me, it's particularly when my feelings are high, when I just can't force those emotions on the page through any words that come into my head. a little booze sometimes loosens it, but, like you, those old vices are mostly boring now
ReplyDeleteTake your time, Mark
ReplyDelete