Monday, June 8, 2015

FINDING THE PERMANENT SOLUTION TO THE...



THE NAKED TRUTH

I don’t know how the term commando came to mean sans underwear but the naked truth is I have very much experience at being a commando. Not a seal team 6 kind of commando, I doubt I have or ever had the strength to go there. I have no memory of going without diaper or tighty whiteys as a wee bairn. My folks would have gone commando all over my ass at the thought of me not wearing purchased underwear. It was the military. Yep those white Navy issued skivvies, as they were called, that prompted me to let them by the wayside fall. And fell they did, I never even kept an emergency pair in my kit, even though those dress blue thirteen button fully woolen trousers were a true test of my commando training, especially standing in formation in the well buttoned hatch when it was raining and the damn things made everywhere itch at a time you positively couldn’t move to scratch.

Besides doing laundry was so much less of a chore not having to separate my colored and whites anymore. I was smart, pretty bright if you ask me because most days in my dungarees I worked away coolly and comfortably. When I was discharged, I was firmly entrenched in commando team 1, so much so I didn’t even own a pair for thirty plus years under the sun. I walked, I worked, I went to every wedding and funeral, underneath my pants completely nude. Now here’s the thing, do you think that crude? when I was younger it was intentional to never wear the things, then as I got older and everywhere from my toes to my hair began to sag, I had to relent and quit the team and now today I must own about thirty pair.

I have stretched out waistbands and holey ones, black, blue, brown (the best for reasons I won’t explain) some that fit just right like a glove on a hand and others that simply with my belly, refuse to stand in their meant to be place. Such is the history of my commando days to date but I have some worries about the future of my warrior me. See, I am naked ‘neath these sweats I wear today. I am worried not about my nudity that no one sees except the old lady (who’s used to the scene) and me; but the reason I rejoined the commando team is after nearly a decade of one hundred percent cotton decadence on underwear cloud nine, after a shower I simply forgot to put on mine.

Oh the horror of the future I envision when incontinence and leaks truly catch up to me. What will I look like as a man who walks around with spots of pee on my pants trying to hide it with a hammy hand? Oh shit! All who see me, especially my friends, will start to yak and talk amongst themselves about my need for Depends©. I know there is no shame in wearing the things if you’re sick or like my elder siblings, very, very, very old, but damn it for more than half my life I was a commando no matter the heat or cold, in charge and capable but now with my memory of how to get dressed escaping me, I believe I have finally found a fear never on my table to haunt me (not to mention all them who might see what they’d see if they check the back of my commando slacks.)

So I have come up with a solution for my growing forgetfulness, a resolution, a full court press. I am going to get a pair tattooed to ever remind me there are some wars already lost, and I shouldn’t let my flagging memory up the cost of something so easily preventable, an embarrassment to bypass. The only three things I need to do is decide if I should get the tattoo on my ass, what color would be the best, and finally will I remember to do it before (err the next time) I leak some bodily fluid? Aging is hell and I ain’t going there gracefully, willingly,quietly or well.

© M Durfee (which rhymes with leaky)
6.8.2015


17 comments:

  1. I have gone without for 23 years now, pretty much since I went out on my own. I guess part of it was not having to separate the laundry, or do laundry for that matter until absolutely necessary. My family as well thought I was crazy. My boys are starting early (wanting to take after dad) and it drives my wife crazy.I had never really thought about my future leakage. I will have to figure that out as I come to it. When diaper time comes it will probably be time for me to head out to the woods and wrestle the grizzly.

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    1. X when the diaper time comes i only hope you have knees enough to walk out to the place of the grizzlies. Though I certainly have the same desire, just leave me by the side of the road and i will walk into the forest and live until I am no longer. I just hope they do not find me in a pile of my own crap.

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  2. I fear I am taken aback. No comment! :)

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    1. Your comment Charles can only mean that you have never been to commando camp, at least not willingly. Try the free life while you can still choose to do so. just think no more falling over while trying to put on you underwear while standing up. You get a few seconds more upright time until you put your trousers on.

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  3. As to your very last line, the best I can offer is, "Me neither." Best of luck with your tattoo.

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    1. I showed three tattoo artists my ass and so far they were not able to stp themselves from laughing. I don't think the young can appreciate the need for reminders. it is after all the perfect sticky note.

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  4. Thanks for, um. . . . sharing? LOL! Love ya you crazy coot!




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    1. No problem Cloudia, my life is an open book...I most of the time do though remember to close my fly.

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  5. Mark-You are a big, giant, nutty nut! I vote for the Depends-at least when we go out for coffee! You made me smile today with your silliness and logic. xo

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    1. Jodi, dear, I have not yet found myself in a situation of buying Depends--though there was time for a couple of years while my neck was healing...

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  6. great stuff. Seriously funny ... and contextually rich. ahem.
    the tattoo is a strangely good idea. I assume you will keep us all posted...
    :)

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    1. H==I am thinking Black boxer briefs on my right cheek so i will be able to see it with my good eye for as long as i have vision in it.

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  7. ... grew up with wearing nothing "underneath" ... was just easier ... smiles ... Love, cat.

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    1. Less is always easier meowmomma as long as the clothes do not chafe.

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  8. Just keep your pants on when I'm around... And the thought of a Depends in the future is scary.

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    1. Get used to the thought once you hit the age of seriously considering that AARP card Jeff. I never take my pants off just for shock value so fear not that. Though there may be a good laugh underneath that action.

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  9. i cant think of anything less comfortable than 30 years commando! each to their own :)

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So Walking Man I was thinking...